2003-02-16 - 2:32 p.m.

I'm a lot like my mother. The fact just occurred to me today. It's disturbing to me. I don't want to be like my mother. I suppose being like my mother comes from the fact that she's been the only example in my life beside my dad from which to learn.

People tell me I look like my mother. I hate it when they say that. Everyday though, I look more and more like my mom. I have the same sallow complexion, dark brown hair and in wetter weather, my hair curls slightly and then I look like her even more.

Now, I realize that I act like my mother. I don't compromise well. I always thought I did until someone brought it up. I should rephrase that. I compromise well when it comes to small things, but not big things. It's not that I'm greedy (at least in my opinion) but rather that I'm very driven. I'm not going to compromise my goals for anyone one else, not even the people I love.

It only occurred to me just how driven I am by my goals earlier today. I was walking to the gym thinking about whether or not I would change my goals if I loved someone or if I would leave that person for my goals. I came to the conclusion that I would more likely leave a loved one.

I would abandon someone I love to attain my goals. Does that make me a bad person? A monster? Perhaps it does. Maybe subconsciously I've always known this because even as a little child I always used to tell people I would live alone when I grew up and that I didn't want to get married. Of course, they never believed me. Now, the thought of being alone still doesn't bother me, but I'm not against being with someone either. I sound rather indecisive, I'm afraid.

My mother has managed to be with someone, if the marriage she and my father have can be called "being with someone". They never seem to be very close or be particularly happy. My mother never seems to let my dad, or anyone else in to be close to her. She keeps the world at arm's length and I guess I've learned that too.

I don't want to be like my mother in the end, but I don't know how to change my behavior. I want to attain my goals more than anything else in the world. I want them more than love, more than money, more than anything. How do I make a compromise between two things that are important to me when one is infinitely more important than the other? Do I need to make a compromise?

These are the things that keep me running away.

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